


Changes

by Lidsworth



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Depression, Happy Ending, M/M, attempted suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-26
Updated: 2015-06-05
Packaged: 2018-03-19 16:47:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3617073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lidsworth/pseuds/Lidsworth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An injury leaves Hide crippled and unable to look for Kaneki anymore. With no purpose left in his life, he slowly withers away. </p><p>Months later, Kaneki takes a stroll through Kamii, and  overhears a conversation between students, of a classmate who attempt suicide after an injury.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He was drawn to places that held some sort of connection to his previous life, just as he was drawn to books whenever his life began to fall apart (it used to be Hide that he was drawn to, but things had changed).

 

He felt it necessary to escape the cooped up living conditions he'd subjected himself to for the past few months, and his legs had carried him to his old University. He hadn't really planned on going there, in fact, when he realized where he was, he had initially planned to leave.

 

But something had kept him there, something had anchored him there. And like books, he figured it was the calming sense of nostalgia that the building seem to emit from it's walls. The sense of happier times.

 

With his stark white hair contrasting against his dark clothing, he stuck out in the crowd of few. It was the weekend, there were bound to be little to no classes. The flow of students lessened with every passing minute.

 

Kaneki kept dug his hands in his pockets as he continued through the campus, and allowed the atmosphere to rerun peaceful memories in his mind.

 

He recalled moments that he and Hide would walk beside each other, Hide with his arms behind his head, Kaneki himself, with his shoulders slouched, head down. They'd be talking (mostly, Hide would be the one speaking, Kaneki would just listen), about their classes, about what they were going to have for lunch, about things that normal boys talked about.

 

But things had changed...a lot.

 

Kaneki had crawled out of his timid shell, and grew a thick armor of agony and strength. Hide...well...Hide used to text Kaneki all the time, even when he didn't answer. But he stopped after a while.

 

Kaneki supposed that Hide had moved on too. The first day Hide had stopped sending text, Kaneki had figured that he'd just lost his phone. But one day evolved into a week, and a week evolved into a month...

 

At first, it pained Kaneki to think that Hide would forget him (it wasn't like he gave him a reason not to, though. He never answered his text. ), but it made things easier for Kaneki. One less person to protect. And besides, he still had Anteiku. They were always there for him.

 

His thoughts of Hide took him to one of the campus libraries. Luckily for him, this one came with a cafe. After purchasing a cup of dark coffee, and skimming the shelves for a book that interested him, he took to a table across from a study group, and began to read to himself.

 

The book was like the others he usually migrated to. Depressing, horrid and tragic. Kaneki wondered if he wrote a book about the tragedy that was his life, if his series would sell out. With his luck, he'd be lucky if his series even got on the shelves.

 

Sighing, he continued to read, though paused, slightly, when he heard certain terms being thrown around in the conversation beside him.

 

“Asian history sucks, can I copy your homework?” A girl asked, “I'm like, already failing!”

 

Kaneki nearly smiled. Hide always had the worst kind of trouble with that class, he and Kaneki would be up for hours, just conversing about the dates of emperors and deaths that seemed to go on forever and ever.

 

“Everyone in the class is failing, Chiyu-chan,” responded the guy, followed by the sound of sliding paper, “you would think that after that kid tried to kill himself a few months ago, that the teachers would let off a little bit!”

 

Suicide? Because of a class. That was a little extreme in Kaneki's opinion, given what he'd been through. But everyone was different.

 

“Oh, you mean that Nagachika kid? I heard it wasn't because of school, it was because of something else—remember, he couldn't walk anymore. He looked like he was in sports or something, he probably just got depressed because his life was over.”

 

“ _Really?_ With the kind of grades I'm making in Asian history, I was considering following his footsteps too,” replied another, “this shit is hard.” 

 

“Then you'd end up in some mental ward, I heard that's' where they took him,” the girl responded.

 

“Hmm, it's better than being stuck here,” the boy replied, garnering a school of silently giggles.

 

Kaneki wasn't breathing, at all. He couldn't risk missing their words, or mishearing them while they were speaking. He'd grown rigid, every hair on his body standing up straight.

 

_Hide stopped texting a few months ago..._ Kaneki's mind replayed their words, as his thoughts scratched over them.... _Hide...suicide...Hide would never...crippled...Hide wasn't in sports...how would he hurt himself...what was he doing?_

 

Kaneki's book had been slammed shut, and his empty cup knocked over as he stalked over to them. He could see the fear in their eyes as they caught sight of him, but he didn't give them a chance to interact any further.

 

“Hideyoshi Nagachika tried to kill himself?” The calm on the outside, Kaneki was breaking to pieces on the inside. He hoped that this “Nagachika” was not his “Nagachika”.

 

They recovered form their shock, though their fear still lingered, “Um...Hideysohi Nagachika...yeah. um..he got injured and really depressed. He tried to kill himself, but apparently it failed and now he's like...in a crazy bin.”  
  
“Do you know which one?”

“I think he's just in the psychiatric ward of the main hospital, I mean, where else would he go? I'm sure one of his professors knows,” continued the girl, “I don't remember what his major was though-”  
  


“Thank you,” Kaneki responded, as he turned on his heels. He didn't remember much having to do with Hide, not regarding each of his classes, at least. There were no teachers that Hide was particularly fond of, or had established a good relationship with.

 

Before he knew it, he was runing through the campus. They had an on campus news press, they posted events that occurred on the campus, or in classes. Surely, Hide's apparent suicide would be recorded, It would surely make news.

 

Then...then he'd find Hide and get to the bottom of this. It had to be a hoax, it had to be. Hide was never depressed, he wasn't the suicidal type. At all. These kids were like freshman, they had to be. They got things mixed up all the time.

 

Perhaps something happened where it looked like he tried to kill himself, and no body believed him. Hide could get...well...quite excited sometimes! Perhaps the medical staff thought he really was crazy, because he couldn't calm himself.

 

Kaneki sighed, things would be better. Hide was okay (if he wasn't, then what was the point of Kaneki protecting him, if he couldn't protect him from himself?)

 

OOOO

_Freshman, Hideyoshi Nagachika found....no one knows why or who....slit writs...depression...Local Hospital...would not speak..._

 

Kaneki had found the old paper in the back of the library, after the communications department head had told him where to find the old articles. Luckily, she hadn't left during the weekend, so she helped Kaneki find what he needed. 

 

“Did you know him?” She asked, later on that day, as the two sat in her classroom, “I mean, like did you really know him? He seems to be the kind of person that everyone “knows”, but no one really “knows”, you get me?”   
  
“Are you interviewing me?” Kaneki looked up from the paper, his voice dead. They had pictures of Hide's living conditions, pictures of the insanity that had been scribbled in his books, on his bed, everywhere. 

 

From what Kaneki had gathered , Hide had gotten hurt, badly, to the point where he couldn't care for himself anymore....people had to help him.

 

Before Kaneki left him, he'd known him to be independent, to be confident. 

 

He still couldn't believe it, even when the words were right in front of him. Hide...Hide...

 

“We could never get the full story with Nagachika,” she spoke, as a note pad seemed to materialize in her hand, “perhaps it could help others who are disabled...do you know anything abo-”   
  
“Hide isnt a success story,” Kaneki stood, with the newspaper in his hand, “he's...what happened...to him...How the hell did he get hurt?”  
  
“A ghoul incident,” replied the teacher, “He was attacked by a ghoul.” 

 

Kaneki looked up from the paper, “A ghoul, but why?”

 

“That's what we're trying to find out, it was probably just an unfortunate accident though. He was at the wrong place at the wrong time, happened to another student here. I heard they used to be best friends, maybe he was looking for him,” she continued, “they do say history repeats itself.”  


On top of all of the other emotions that had been lodging themselves within his gut, guilt was the biggest of them all. Guilt because he suddenly recalled Hide's desire to track ghouls out of hobby, and recalled his own drive to protect his friend from such a dangerous pass time. 

 

Hide hand't been looking for him...had he? 

 

“What hospital d-did you say he was at, again?” He was losing control of his speech, and the realization of the situation was clearly showing on his face. The teacher cast him a sympathetic look, and wrote down the address on a page of her small spiral. Tearing it off, she handed it to him. 

 

“I''ve visited before, to get the “scoop” from him. He doesn't really speak, not anymore,not about what happened, ” she warned Kaneki, who looked at the adress, over and over again, “Oh, and the details of his room should be in the paper, take it with you.” 

 

“Thank you,” Kaneki spoke through tight chords, as he stood to his feet and bowed, “Thank you very much.” 

 

Kaneki walked off of the campus with the paper cluthced in his palm, and his head high. He would get to the bottom of this. There had to be a mistake, there had to be. 

 

Hide wouldn't hurt himself, ever. He wasn't the kind of person (but then again, Kaneki had changed as well. And the evidence was stacked against him, he'd reread the article thousands of times. He'd seen Hide's living conditions, seen the  _wheel chair!)_

 

He denied Hide's metamorphose just as he denied his own. But the more he ran from it, the more he realized he was lying to himself..

 

Just as he had changed, so had Hide. He only hoped the the person in the hospital was still “Hide”.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: HAPPY EASTER! 
> 
> This chapter has been a headache! I've called so many receptionist resources, looked up so much information just so I could make sure I was doing it right. Also, i'm sorry for the long wait! I've been researching the conditions in Japanese mental hospitals, and the treatment of their patients, it's been taking me a while. I don't think i'll set an update limit next chapter. 
> 
> Wow, thanks for the comments and the kudos, they're very much appreciated. Sorry I didn't get to them right away, I have a lot of work to do! But writing is one of the only things that gets me through the day. If ever I stop updating, I'll give updated on my tumblr: lidsworth.tumblr.com. Follow me if you like my stuff, because I'm going to start keeping tabs on my fan fictions. 
> 
> Right now, I'm working on two others stories (one is being updated, another is being created), so that may attribute to my lag. Anyway, on with chapter 2. It may be shorter than the first one. 
> 
>  
> 
> Okay fanfic followers, I just wanted to let you know that I'm working on another chapter of Stepping Up and Changes, and they should both be posted by mid next week! I also may be writing a sequel of His Fill.

 

He woke later than expected, and as a result, had been the only one in the apartment that morning. It appeared that Tsukiyama had taken Hinami with him to go shopping, Banjou and his team had most likely departed to go gather information about Kanou (another thing to find on his endless “to-do” list), and he'd been left in silence to prepare himself to meet Hide.

 

He chose a white top, with some blue jeans to wear that day. He wanted to appear somewhat casual. Next, he rummaged through the things that Tsukiyama had left him, like a wig and some nude nail polish.

 

He looked himself up and down in one of the body length mirrors that they had in the apartment. He marveled at how much he looked like his “old self”. Perhaps it would put Hide at ease to see him like this (though it wasn't like Hide had seen him with his white hair).

 

Straightening up one last time, Kaneki retrieved the paper with the address written on it, and left.

OOO

He supposed that the lack of urgency that befell him that morning had been a mixture of shock and disbelief. Shock, because his body couldn't comprehend that he was walking to a hospital's mental ward for someone other than himself, that he was walking to one for Hide. In disbelief, because Hide didn't hurt himself, something was amiss, it had to be.

 

In disbelief, because he knew he was lying to himself.

 

With every step to his location, however, the reality seemed to set in. Memories of the Hide he knew filled his head. The nice Hide, the playful, warm Hide. The Hide he left after he became one with Anteiku, the Hide he left alone. He wondered how much his friend had been effected...he wondered why the ghoul attack had pushed him over the edge. Perhaps it was the life threatening aspect of it.

 

With a sigh, he looked up at the large structure in front of him. He'd arrived at the hospital.

OOO

Kaneki leaned on the back of his heels, as the receptionist searched the computer for the last name “Nagachika”. Brown bespectacled eyes reflected the files on the screen, as they swarmed up all at once, like a reverse waterfall of documents and words.

 

“-chika..nagachika...” She muttered to herself as she dragged her cursor across the screen, “hmm...we don't seem to have him—He's no longer a patient here.”

  
“Gone? B-but where did he go?” Kaneki had wondered if his condition had been so terrible, that he'd been removed from the normal hospital, to a facility more fitted for caring for the mentally unstable. He already knew how well the Japanese treated the mentally ill. His country wasn't equipped for it.

 

“Name, please?” She asked, and Kaneki's eyes widened. Name? He'd gone under the radar for months! Had his name even been registered on the database? The danger of exposing himself was too great! He could drag the others down with him. _Just leave! It's not worth it! Hide can wait, he's waited this long, hasn't he? You have no-_

 

_**No...Hide is...Hide is my best friend. I have to see him!** _

 

Against his better judgment, he'd let his name slip off of his tongue as his thoughts flurried out of control on his head.

 

“My name is Kaneki Ken, I'm one of Hide's closets friends,” he buttered out, nearly covering his mouth afterwards.

 

It was over now. His name had flashes all over the news, at least every CCG member had the name memorized, and there was no doubt that the civilians had been told to report anything regarding him, or his name.

 

But something changed in that moment. She hesitated a bit, and even chomped on her lip...as if she was debating on a decision to make.

 

She replied with a hushed tone, “Ken? Kaneki ken?” She looked suspicious, almost unbelieving.

 

Kaneki nodded slowly.

 

She began to squint, “Yes, Nagachika had a 'Kaneki Ken' listed,” she looked at the dark haired child intently, “But you don't fit the description.”

  
“Description? I'm afraid I don't-”   
  
She typed quickly on her computer, dragged her mouth across the mouse pad, and began to read aloud, “Kaneki will have white hair and dark nails. If he comes, please let him come in.”  
  
Hide...Hide knew he had white hair? But how? Hide hadn't seen him since he'd been abducted by Aogiri....or...or had he really been looking for him? Is that why he'd gotten injured?

 

 

“Wait,” Kaneki grabbed at the top of his wig, and pulled at it until it was completely gone (luckily for him, the traffic in the waiting room hadn't been that strong), “I actually _do_ have white hair and...and black nails. I can go wash the nail polish off if you want me to. I'm the Kaneki he's talking about.”

 

The receptionist looked taken aback by the boy's hair malfunction, but regained her composure, as she grabbed a sticky note from her desk. She looked at him before she put the pen down to paper. She looked at him as if she was dissecting him with her keen eyes, like she was unfolding the layers of his mind in order to deduce a lie.

 

She could find none.

 

“Listen, I'm not...I'm not supposed to be doing this, but I got to know Nagachika on a personal level,” She whispered, as she scribbled something down on the paper “he reminds me of my son. But he's very ill. He misses the one who calls himself 'Kaneki', and that's you,” Kaneki nodded as she spoke, “good. He's been moved, and here's the address.”

 

Kaneki took the paper and looked at it. Sighing, he bowed to her, “Thank you.”

 

“Don't mention it, to anyone.” She responded, her stern persona returning, “I mean it.”   
  
Kaneki fought the urge to smile.

 

“And Kaneki....the hospital isn't as...pleasant,” she tried to hide her shame, but the guilt was showing on her face, “I would've loved for him to stay here, but...but...Japan's treatment of our mentally ill isn't as professional as it should be. He needs you.”

 

_You don't have to tell me that,_ “Thank you,” Kaneki repeated, “I'll be sure to do whatever I can for him.”  _I hope you can._ The unspoken words practically rang in Kaneki's ears. 

OOO

 

A sense of relief and fear combined swirled within Kaneki's gut as he exited the hospital. There had been relief, because he could pin point Hide's exact location. There had been fear, because the situation with Hide had gone from a speculation to an actual confirmation.

 

If Hide had been moved elsewhere, to a facility that “specialized” in his condition, then the hospital couldn't deal with his issues. That meant that he had to be a really, _really_ difficult case (which didn't surprise Kaneki, Hide was always difficult).

 

Hide had always been a rather troublesome friend. Always getting himself into things he had no business delving into. Like ghouls for example. When he began his own personal investigations on a ghoul, he didn't stop until he found what he was looking for. Kanek's thoughts grew dim a he pondered on that aspect of Hide.

 

His knowledge was what made him so dangerous. Dangerous enough that Kaneki had to distance himself from the blond. Maybe if Kaneki had kept in touch with him, then this entire situation would have been avoided. It had seemed to right to justify his reasoning for staying away from Hide, or to pin the lack of texts on Hide. Telling himself that Hide stopped texting because he'd moved on was a lot easier than telling himself that _he_ stopped communicating with Hide, because the fear of rejection scared him more than any blood thirsty ghoul, more than any heart breaking loss that he could be subjected to, or any other irrational thing that life was willing to throw at him.

 

Hide...he couldn't even describe Hide's worth in words.

 

With his thoughts in such a jumble, he wondered whether or not if he was actually ready to meet Hide. From what he knew of psychiatric hospitals, they were scary places, the patients, even scarier. Even the receptionist made them sound creepy. Japan in general tended to shun the problems of the mentally ill. They neglected them, and left them to rot away in unkempt facilities.

 

He didn't want to associate Hide with that image. Especially not an image that had been the subject of many of his horror novels.

 

He never wanted to live the books he read, but unfortunately, he had. He could deal with it though, Hide, obviously couldn't.

 

Would Hide be bound to a chair by a straight jacket, would his mouth be gagged, his hair messy and stiff with sweat? Perhaps his throat would be raw due to excessive screaming or pleading.

 

Kaneki shuddered as he walked through the concrete maze of Japan. He'd catch an occasional glance from civilians as their eyes locked onto his stark white hair. And with the puzzled expression on his face, he can't have looked sane.

 

Perhaps it made all the more sense that he was walking to the hospital (at least, that's what they thought). He put the wig in one of the street trashcan though. If he was going to be meeting Hide again, he obviously didn't need it.

 

The area in general, had been hard to find, especially basing it off of the address. He had to ask various people which way he was supposed to go, which streets he was supposed to take, and what buses could get him there the faster.

 

He usually spent his time traveling on top of buildings, or up in high places. It had been months since he'd actually spent time paying attention to road signs and signs and directions. But he knew he was getting closer when some sick sense of dread concreted itself in his gut.

OOO

 

He'd noticed a lack of “city” about thirty minutes ago, and had taken note of the greenery that had suddenly surrounded him. He'd branched off into the less urban area, and to a sort of homey looking neighborhood, who's cracked sidewalks sprung with grass and weeds, who's lamp posts were groped in ivy and leaves, and who' grounds opened to large trees.

 

What a shame it was, to have such a draining obstruct near such a beautiful area.

 

He walked until his legs took him slightly further than the neighborhood itself (out of it, to be exact). He walked along the outskirts of the neighborhood, directing himself against the sidewalk that bordered the area.

 

He saw ahead where he'd be turning. It was concrete pathway that led down into the area where the hospital was.

 

When he approached it, he looked down the path, eyes following the sidewalk that stretched into the horizon. Tall trees stood on either side of it, like some sort of plantation from American, that Kaneki had once seen on the television. And further down the lane, was the building itself.

 

Medium sized, white, and threatening.

 

He gulped as he began his stroll down the tree shaded path, where a gated court yard of sorts marked the entrance of the building.

OOOO

After he stated his purpose there in the hospital, Kaneki descended into one of the comfy chairs in the waiting room, and cracked his knuckles in an attempt to stave off the taxing eagerness.

 

Aside for his anxiousness, the atmosphere was similar to that of the original hospital (only, patients walked around a little more freely, albeit slightly staggering and gliding along the grounds as zombies did in graveyards).

 

He supposed since they weren't contagious, it was okay for them to walk in close proximity with one another and brush up against the very few people sitting in the waiting room. Kaneki waved at one men who walked beside him, though he garnered no sort reaction.

 

His eagerness to meet Hide doubled, as he attempted to visualize how different his friend would be. Perhaps he'd be drugged as well, a zombie walking among the others.

 

“Kaneki Ken?” Called the receptionist with the voice of utter boredom and dread. The ghoul stood quickly, gliding to the desk, and staring wide eyed at the receptionist.

 

“You said you wanted to speak to Nagachika,” the young man, no older than Kaneki himself, said as scrolled through his computer and spoke, “it seems you've been listed. He is scheduled to be in the courtyard momentarily. He'll be close to the building, most likely sitting on the table nearest to the entrance of the building. It has a chessboard on it. If you go wait out there, his nurse should escort him shortly.”   
  
Kaneki blinked, eyes even wider than before, heart beating within his chest, as if a humming bird had replaced the excited organ.

 

“T-thank you,” breathed Kaneki, as he inclined his head slightly.

OOOO

Coming to what appeared to be the closest table to the entrance, Kaneki dragged out the only metal chair that had been tucked under the wired table, and took a seat. It had been uncomfortable at first, though after moments of readjusting himself, the ghoul had settled on his default slouch. Hands tucked tightly in his lap, shoulders tight , and head lowered slightly, as if he were his insecure self again.

 

There had been the chess board in front of him, all of the pieces had been correctly placed on the checkered platform, as if someone had set it just moments ago. He grabbed the dark knight, and brought it to his face.

 

The pieces were old , though ornately crafted. He could pick out the beady eyes of the horse, and examined the craftsmen ship that went into the minuscule mane of the chess piece.

 

A familiar scent seemed to coat the piece. It was a scent that smelled eerily like home. Home, in that the piece itself was comforting, almost relaxing to the point that it seemed to deduce way too much about Kaneki. It drew out memories that he'd long sense forgotten, memories of he and Hide, and the positive things that he associated with his blond friend. 

 

While he drowned in his thoughts, another hand had positioned itself just above the platform, and grabbed at one of the weaker pieces. Suddenly, three pale fingers wrapped around the white pawn, and forward, the piece moved two places.

 

The fingers belonged to a scarred wrists, who's skin was still very much irritated with numerous pink gashes that crossed diagonally at the veins.

 

They trembled as they drew themselves back, waiting for Kaneki to make his move. But Kaneki couldn't move, because sitting across from him was Hide. 

 

The nurse had brought him across from Kanki, and stepped away, slightly, to give them room. She didn't speak much, only cast a forced smile at Kaneki.

 

“I'll leave you two alone for a while,” and with a slight nod, she left.

 

Kaneki noticed the wheelchair that seemed to spring from behind him with its outward handles. Hide's eyes had—as Kaneki feared—had grown vacant as well, drained of their original vibrancy. They swam in a pool of dark skin, that hung just below them, indicating an obvious restlessness. His hair had grown longer, and unkempt, the brown at the top infecting the blond. His body seemed to shrink from the last time Kaneki saw him, in fact, he seemed very malnourished.

 

Hide wore the saddest expression on his face. One that reeked of hopelessness and despair.

 

Looking up slightly, he motioned, with his eyes, for Kaneki to move the piece in his hand. But Kaneki couldn't, he was absorbed in Hide's new appearance,

 

“H-Hide,” Kaneki's voice strained painfully as he called to the man in front of him, “It's me! Kaneki.”

 

The sense of relief that Kaneki carried hours ago washed away in that moment, as Hide seemed to ignore his rushed introduction, and only held interest in the chess piece in Kaneki's fingers. There was a moment of silence that followed shortly after, in which Hide broke by taking it upon himself to resume the game—the only thing he seemed interested in.

 

Kaneki gulped, and placed his knight down. He couldn't tell if Hide was ignoring him, or as just ignorant to his presence.

 

“You want me to play chess Hide, with you?” Kaneki chanced, with a very nervous smile, “sure Hide, if that makes you happy. But you're really good at it, so I may not win!”

  
Kaneki never won, in fact, it was Hide who taught him how to play to chess, and had done so well to hide the cheats and short cuts within the game. Though occasionally, he spilled some of his secrets to Kaneki.

 

It seemed that Hide was playing with those same tactics, thus making it incredibly hard for Kaneki to even place a move on him.

 

Hide was completely engrossed in the game, and it reminded Kaneki of just how much he'd be absorbed in a detective novel, or his little deductions, or anything regarding strategies and ghouls.

 

He wondered if he'd entered his “zone” as he played this game. He seemed to alienate Kaneki, and the scenery around him, as he moved the pieces around the board. Kaneki watched his fingers, watching as he skidded the wood diagonally, horizontally, backward...before Kaneki knew it, he barely had any pieces left on the board.

 

He wondered if he could start using some of the tatcis Hide had taught him. Maybe he'd start beating him. And before Kaneki knew it, he was slowly turning the game around, though he supposed Hide was just being lax in his skills. The Hide he knew would never let him win this easily.

 

“You're lagging a bit, Hide,” Kaneki chided, as he reclaimed one of his pieces, “You let me go all the way across the board.. Let's see, hmm, what player will I get back?”   
  
He looked at Hide's eyes, just to check if he was paying attention to him. To Kankei's dismay, the blond wasn't, he only paid attention to Kankei's fingers as they reached across to grab another piece.

 

Kaneki looked at Hide's hands atop of the table, and noticed again, the marks that covered his wrists. As he reached to retrieve his other piece, his fingers absentmindedly moved in such a way that they had suddenly maneuvered themselves around Hide's wrist, rather then the piece itself.

 

He could feel the soft scar tissue that swelled from the injury itself, and could feel just how deep Hide had cut. The cut themselves weren't clean. They were ragged and uneven, as if Hide fought the urge to kill himself while he was trying killing himself.

 

It destroyed Kaneki to visualize his best friend practically sawing within his own wrist.

 

“Hide...why did you do this to yourself?” Kaneki looked up again, and now, Hide's eyes locked on to his. They watered slightly, their color coming back to them as a shade of sadness engulfed them. He moved his wrist in Kaneki's fingers, as if to rub the irritated skin on Kankei's own calloused skin.

 

“K...Kaneki?” The question was barely above a whisper, though the disbelief could be heard nonetheless, “Kaneki?”

 

The ghoul's heart fluttered as Hide spoke, and within his grasps, Hide moved his arm even harder. It was then Kaneki realized that he the scars hadn't been the only things that had covered Hide's pale arms. A light shade of purple seemed to appear lightly, in the form of an imprint of fingers that seemed to be stuck on Hide's arm, just below the wrist. It looked like someone had grabbed Hide too hard. And the more Kaneki looked, the more he could pick out various “hand” bruises, that seemed to crawl up Hide's arm, like ivy.

 

“Hide, who did this to you?” A surge of protectiveness ran through Kaneki's veins, as he pulled the crippled blond closer to him.

 

However, all the severity in his tone couldn't reach Hide. Hide couldn't stop repeating Kaneki's name.

 

Before Kaneki knew it, Hide had grabbed a lock of white hair with his trembling hand, running his thin digits through the forest of pale strands, as if to make sure he was real.

 

“Kaneki...Kaneki...” he repeated a little louder this time, “you're here...you're real.”   
  
“I am real Hide,” Kaneki responded quickly, “Now tell me, who did this to you?”

 

Kaneki didn't get the answer he wanted, just a tearful Hide, who's ear to ear smile seemed to bring back the familiar feeling of warmth and homeliness that he'd been missing for so long.

 

“I found you,” Hide whispered, “I..I...” Something changed, as he looked at his friend again, “I...It's not you...it's just another hallucination.” Hide pulled his hands away from Kaneki, and began to angrily rub at his eyes, as if to scrub Kaneki's appearance from existence, “It's just the medication, Kaneki isn't here, you're not here, you're not real.”   
  
Kaneki's heart dropped, and without thinking, he grabbed at Hide's hands, and tried to pull them away from his face. Hide jumped, and yanked his hands away.

  
“Don't touch me!” He hissed, causing the ghoul to jump. Hide had never raised his voice like that, he'd never sounded so angry before.

 

“Kaneki is gone,” Hide spoke as if he had come to terms with this long ago, “He's safe with Touka-chan, and everyone else. He doesn't need me anymore. He doesn't want to be my friend anymore. I can't...i can't even even look for him anymore. I'm useless, i-”   
  
“Hide! You're not useless!” Kaneki cried, loud enough for the patients and staff walking around the courtyard to hear, “I'm sorry for everything!”

 

But Hide spoke as if he was locked in autopilot, “Kaneki likes the folks at Anteiku. They're his real friends...”   
  
Kaneki stood with shaky legs as Hide continued to recite his monologue like some sort of programmed robot. Quickly, he walked over to the side of Hide's wheelchair, knelt down, and held Hide's face in his hands.

 

“Hide, it's me,” his voice was pleading, “It's me, Kaneki.”   
  
The brown honey eyes reflected a small bit of nostalgia, and wide smile remained on Hide's face, though his lips trembled as he thought of something to say..

 

“Kaneki...Kaneki isn't here,” Hide closed his eyes, allowing a single tear to roll down his cheek, “Kaneki found a new home, at Anteiku....if he's happy...then I'm happy too.” A finger rose to the side of Hide's cheek, as he itched it slightly. At the same time, Kankei's hands fell from the blond's face, as he looked at his best friend in horror.

 

Hide was gone.

 

Before he could say anything else, the nurse who had brought him out had run to his side, babbling about “the first reaction he's had in months” “and testing” and other medical terms. Kaneki thought of questioning her about the bruises that had littered Hide's arms,but figured that now wasn't a good time.

 

However, de didn't miss the way she glanced at him as she herself looked at Hide's arms. She knew that Hide's injuries were there, she just had to be sure that he didn't. So he played dumb (and the shock of the moment was far too great. He could hardly move).

 

He was ushered out of the establishment, and told when he could visit “Hide” next.

 

(Only, that wasn't Hide. That was a delusional, maniac who wore Hide's skin as his own. Hide had never seemed so full of hopelessness, nor had he seemed so lost.)

 

At least Kaneki got an insight into Hide's mind. He realized just how much his absence had impacted Hide. He realized that part of Hide's condition was indeed his fault.

 

And now here he was, outside of the hospital, speechless and afraid.

Hide was gone.

 

_No!_

_  
_This was only the beginning, this was only an extremely drugged Hide, who looked like he'd been mistreated. This was a Hide who tried to kill himself because he felt useless, who was out of his mind...but this was...this was Hide, Kaneki's best friend.

 

He'd be back, he'd get Hide, he'd bring him home.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry If I have any grammar errors. I've had this document open for days! I proofread, but i'm bound to make mistakes.   
> This chapter took a bit longer, due to Info purposes. Meaning that, I was unsure as to whether a receptionist can tell someone if patient has been moved, or if that's confidential. I got a number of answers. All in all, no, a receptionist isn't allowed to disclose certain things if you're not on the list, 
> 
> As for the chess part, if you're able to get the pawn to the other side of the board, you can reclaim a player. 
> 
> Also, this moved from a 2 shot to a mutli chapter. I was researching Japanese mental health, and the stigma attached to mental illness in Japan, and wanted to incorporate that within this story. 
> 
> I'll update ASAP! But for now, have a wonderful week, have a Happy Easter, and God bless!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I haven't updated this since April 6th! It's been two months! Hopefully chapter four is out faster than this. I hope you enjoy this chapter, and sorry for the long wait.  
> As usual, I'm my own beta, so there may be spelling/grammar errors below.  
> I don't own TG.

Kaneki wondered why he hadn't stared writing sooner. It seemed to help calm him and ease his nerves, just as reading had.

 

After the first visit, Kaneki had purchased a journal at one of the local convenient stores in the area, and after, had taken a trip to the library. The shock of the first visit had been near excruciating, the assortment of confusion and craziness that Hide had displayed had sent Kaneki into a state of temporary bewilderment. But he needed to learn what Hide had, he needed to research all kinds of psychological disturbances and all kinds of aliments that affected (maybe in the process, he'd find something about himself). So he saw himself to the library, where he had managed to accumulate a large stack of books regarding mental health. He noticed, however, that many, if not all of them, were foreign and translated.

 

From Hide's condition to Kaneki's own doubts, he began writing them down, putting them into a notebook. He considered calling It _Changes in Hide,_ but figured that if it had been left unattended in the house he shared with the other ghouls, one of them would grow extremely curious, and read it for themselves. 

 

Perhaps if it were something a little more vague, the others would leave it alone. So he called it _Changes_.

 

Though after the first visit, Changes hadn't been full of much regarding Hide. More like titles of books and certain disorders that stuck out to Kaneki. He managed to write down things about Hide that stuck out to him...things he supposed could be considered symptoms.

 

 

There was the fact that Hide was in a wheelchair, and that he had slits on his wrist, and bruises all over his body. Kaneki didn't really consider those mental issues, but wrote them down nonetheless.

However, regarding mental issues, Hide obviously couldn't tell if Kaneki was real or not. Perhaps he'd been hallucinating before? It hurt Kaneki to think that Hide been hallucinating. Had he been that lonely that his mind had materialized a fake Kaneki?

 

Or was he making himself doubt Kaneki's existence? He'd said something about medication, so of course, that could have been it.

 

By the end of the evening, Kaneki's notebook consisted of scribbled sentences, short hand, and phrases that would make no sense to him later on. It was unorganized, unorthodox, and messy. Much like the entire situation.

OOOO

The next day, Kaneki left the apartment early, to go and visit Hide. He brought his satchel, with some books and his notebook, as well as some things that he figured would entertain Hide. After his first few visits, he'd asked the staff if he could bring things that Hide may like. So after rummaging through Hide's things at his apartment, he sacked what he thought his friend would like.

So on this visit, Kaneki had brought Hide's music with him.

 

When he arrived, of course, he was met with the a courtyard full of tired and possibly drugged patients, wobbling around like penguins. He noticed that some of them had been in wheelchairs on his previous visits. However, they walked, without the assistance of really anyone. He wondered if that was like a “graduation” for the patients. Maybe that's why Hide wasn't walking, because he hadn't graduated yet.

 

 

When he arrived inside, he gave his information, and as usual, was told to go wait at Hide's table, until his nurse brought him outside to play chess. Though today, there would be no chess.

As soon as he sat himself in the wired seat, and settled his satchel on the table, he dug into the small bag and pulled out the familiar phone. Luckily, he and Hide knew each other pass codes for pretty much everything, so getting onto the phone wasn't a hassle.

 

However, choosing Hide's favorite song _was_ a hassle. 

 

The vast amount of music that Hide had managed to store on his phone had amazed Kaneki, to the point where he sat their, dazed at the overwhelming surpluss of songs. And despite the massive selection, Kaneki was left unsure of which song chose. He would've liked it if he could have the song playing by the time Hide arrived, so that maybe he could jerk his mind. But with the way he was operating things now, it looked highly unlikely.

 

Frantic, he scrambled through the sensitive screen, and looked for the “Most Played” tab, though was taken aback moments later, as an erroneous finger swipe kicked him off of the music play list, and to the home screen. Swiping his fingers back and forth, he eagerly sought the refuge of the music page.

 

Finally, a familiar list looking page popped up on the screen. Kaneki's heart rate decreased slightly as he began to scroll. Immediately, his eyes locked onto the title of one song.

 

“Kaneki: _I'm sorr...”_

 

Kaneki's heart didn't just decrease, it stopped at that moment.

 

It took him less than a millisecond to realize that these titles weren't the titles of songs. These were the headers of text. Hide's text. The last message that Hide had typed had been addressed to Kaneki, and by the looks of it, had been sent. Though the receiver, of course, never received it.

Kaneki had changed his number a while ago.

 

Now, with a thumb hovering above a message that was intended for him, he wondered if it would be right now, to go and scroll through the text. Surely, it wouldn't make a difference now, right? And if Hide happened to be wheeled up to the table, it wasn't as if he could comprehend what was going on. Besides, Kaneki could just tell him he was searching for music, right?

  
Right? And need he remind himself, this thread was intended for him,  _right._

 

And he could just  _lie._ Could just say he was looking for music, and not skimming through Hide's business. But the thought of lying to Hide  _again_ sickened Kaneki more than it should have. But they were his texts. But he couldn't lie to Hide again, he couldn't keep being deceptive with him. 

But these were  _his_ text. 

 

Before knew it, his thumb was trembling violently above the screen. An atrocious sense of guilt welled up within him. He couldn't do this to Hide, not at all. It wasn't right. The text was meant for him then, not now...

 

Tapping on the screen, so that the text vibrated beneath his thumb,Kaneki swiped to the right. He watched as the text faded,and eventually,disappeared all together.

 

Feeling a slight weight lift off of his chest as he exited the text screen, he redirected himself to the music tab, where he again, debated on which song Hide would like. However, he figured it was impossible to know exactly what he'd like. He was always listening to his music with headphones or ear buds, so Kaneki really didn't know much about his taste.

 

So he shuffled it, paused the song that came on, and waited for Hide to arrive. Though as he sat there, he again, dug into his bag and removed his journal, and one of the mangas that Hide used to read as a child. It wasn't in style anymore, nor was it very mainstream, but it was something that he and Kaneki used to enjoy as children.

 

Just as he finished setting the table, the sight of the bulky wheelchair caught his attention.

 

His hair had certainly grown darker from the last time Kaneki had seen him, and opposite to his hair, his skin had developed a rather pasty color, and of course, he'd lost too much weight. Like the other patients, **he was clearly drugged, and not all there.** Though he wondered about that. Every time he seemed to visit, they all seemed drugged...that, or they were just really tired. 

 

“Fifteen minutes today, Kaneki,” Spoke the nurse, “Nagachika has tests that he needs to complete later on today. “  
  
Kaneki perked up, “Tests? If he passes them, will he be able to get out of his wheelchair?!”

 

The nurse chuckled slightly, as she loosened the seat belt around Hide's waist, “Nagachika is paralyzed from the waist down. The damage to his spine was permanent. He won't be walking any time soon.”

 

As she walked away, Kaneki dragged his gaze to Hide's vacant eyes.

 

Hide? Paralyzed for good? That seemed impossible for someone as active and bubbly as Hide. He relied on his legs to get him places, to run, and to do things. Hide was an active person. Paralysis just didn't make sense for someone like him.

 

The dismay must have been quite evident in his face, to the point where even Hide's foggy eyes seemed unsure of how to comprehend what must have already been said to him months ago.

 

Gulping, Kaneki began to rummage through the satchel. It was time to move on to another subject. If Hide's legs weren't going to work again, there was no need to dwell on the subject at the moment. It most likely contributed greatly to Hide's condition.

 

So fumbling through the bag, Kaneki pulled out the the large orange headphones that Hide used to wear before everything went wrong.

 

“Hey Hide, I brought some things that I thought you might like,” the ghoul shifted his voice slightly, so that he sounded happier than he actually was. There was a silence in which Hide's jaded eyes moved slowly, searching for the objects on the table—more so, it looked as if he was searching through them.

 

_Is he looking for the chessboard? Am I boring him? Oh no!_

 

“Hide! Sorry, the chessboard isn't here today. But I brought some other fun stuff,” it was as if he was speaking to a child, “We can play chess next time, okay?”  
  


The crippled said nothing, only returned his eyes to their dormant state.

 

Kaneki took the time to connect the headphones and the phone, and leaning over the table, placed orange device over Hide's ears.

 

“I really don't know what music you like, Hide. You're always wearing these headphones, so I put it on shuffle,” Kaneki played the song, and watched Hide's face for any sort of change in his features, or any sort of indication that he was actually listening to the music.

 

Nothing.

 

Perhaps it wasn't the right song? Kaneki already mentioned that he hadn't a clue what kind of music Hide really listened to. He knew the gist of it, but other than that, he was at a complete loss.

 

Music said a lot about a person, and the fact that Kaneki didn't even know what kind of music listened to...

 

 **Redirecting** his attention to his journal, Kaneki turned it to a fresh page, barren of scribbles and any other untidy mark making. Looking at Hide react rather indifferently to the music, Kaneki began to jot things down.

 

_-He looks tired again....maybe it has to do with his condition? Maybe he's drugged again? Medication maybe...but what kind of medication is he on? Is it permanent too?_

 

Looking up, he watched as Hide's murky eyes continued to reflect nothingness. Sighing, Kaneki let the pen fall to the paper. The music obvious wasn't reaching Hide like he hoped it would. Perhaps he'd try the manga next. Reaching over the table, and grabbing the headphones, Kaneki made to remove them from the sides of Hide's head, however, a quick grab at his wrist stopped him.

 

There hadn't been any indication in his features that had suggested that he'd registered what was going on, not until now, at least. The hazy brown eyes had finally found their focus, and Kaneki was taken aback as Hide's gaze sent chills down his spine.

 

“H-Hide?”

 

The grip on Kaneki's wrist tightened, averting the ghoul's attention from the intoxicated glare, to the bony limb.

 

Stunned, he noticed a new accumulation of bruises on Hide's arm.

 

How the hell was he getting these? Had someone been putting these wounds on him?

 

Or had he been trying to walk? It only made sense...Hide wasn't the kind to live his life unable to be mobile, or at least not the kind to give up. But he did give up, didn't he? Given his situation, the header of his last text, and the way he spent his life playing “detective”, it seemed as if he'd been trying to look for him. Was that what the apology was for? For him being unable to look for Kaneki anymore? Maybe that's how he got hurt, maybe he ventured into dangerous territory.

 

And after his paralysis, he'd lost his way somehow.

 

And now that he was alive, he was trying to search for him, all over again. A sick sense of dread filled Kaneki's guts as he connected the dots.

 

“Hide. You have to stop this, okay? I don't know if you can hear me ,of if you're even there anymore,” Kaneki sucked in his breath, “But you've always looked after me. You've always stood up for me, no matter what, you're always trying to reach me. But...it's okay now, alright. You're in a safe place, I'm in a safe place. I'll come and visit you, and when you get better, we can—“

  
Something about the atmosphere went aims, the instant that the nurse walked into their personal space. Kaneki hadn't even realized her until her breathless gasp garnered his attention. Jerking his gaze upward, his lips tightened at the sight of _her_ gaze, which held a considerable amount of fear—something Kaneki could identify with his eyes closed—and slight guilt. 

 

And what she directed those crossed emotions towards puzzled him even more.

 

She was looking at the bruises.

 

Kaneki figured it had been a perfect opportunity to delve into conversation with her.

 

“Miss, I think Hide is trying to crawl out of his bed. Maybe that's why he was bruises on his arms,” Kaneki began, “Could you make sure that he doesn't hurt himself anymore?”  
  
At his question, a sense of relief seemed to wash over her features, and with a small nod, her tension melted away.

 

“I'll speak to Nagachika's doctor about it, alright. He's going to see him now, so the issue should be dealt with.”  
  


He was weary of doctors, especially after his own screwed him over, “Can you make sure that it gets taken care of, please?”  
  
The nurse smiled, and nodded, “We'll assure that.”  
  
Kaneki smiled, “Thanks, and is it alright if I ask you a question about his condition?”

 

The nurse tilted her head, “We're only allowed to answer so much, we can just tell you that Nagachika is going through a series of test aid him in his recovery.”

 

Nodding, the ghoul continued to speak, “Well, can you tell me why he's so tired? I thought it was his medication, but I doubt he's always medicated when I visit him. What are his sleeping schedules?”

 

The nurse's hands tightened slightly on the handles of Hide's wheelchair, as she presumably searched for an appropriate answer. This had taken Kankei aback, though he didn't let his confusion show on his face. She was starting to act suspicious.

 

If she couldn't tell Kaneki about Hide's condition, why hesitate? Unless she was hiding something. And surely, sleeping schedules weren't too confidential, especially if Hide was always tired. He'd like to visit when his friend was at least somewhat attentive. Besides, he'd finally be able to speak to him about his situation.

  
“Nachika's sleeping schedules....are....we'll have to speak next time,” The nurse readjusted his straps and began to pull away, much to Kaneki's horror.

 

“Ma'am, I'm only asking about sleeping schedules. Unless his fatigue has anything to do with his condition, I'd like to know when I could come next, so I can actually speak to my friend,” Kaneki was standing now, and the nurse stopped in her tracks “They're just sleeping schedules.”  
  
“You'll have to come back next time.”  
  


Kaneki's eyebrow twitched, and his fingers cramped. He was getting stressed.

 

How hard was it for her to tell him just what kind of sleeping Hide got? He was always tired. Hell. Every single patient here seemed as if they were on the verge of passing out. They walked around like zombies, needed constant assistance. This was getting ridiculous. 

 

“Ma'am, I-”   
  
“Sir, I'm sorry, Nagachika needs to begin his tests,” and she hastened her activity. Kaneki stood there, almost certain that if he tried to stop her again, he'd be asked never to return. 

 

He stood there alone for about five minutes after the nurse had removed Hide, contemplating on what had just occurred. 

 

After swiftly gathering his things, and scoffing at the near empty notebook, Kaneki left the establishment. He hadn't written anything down. 

 

As he walked through the court yard, and eventually further away from the hospital contaminated air, he noticed a change in atmosphere. Perhaps it was because his mind was no longer focused only on Hide, rather the entirety it the situation that he noticed a change, but something  _smelled_ different as he treated in between the “smell” border. 

 

The scent within the hospital was so pungent, unlike anything he had ever smelled before. Perhaps it was the cleaning, or the sheets, or whatever, but there was something... _wrong_ about how it smelled. He'd had his fair share of hospitals, actual, medical hospitals where people had actual surgeries, and even they didn't smell like this. 

 

The stench....Kaneki couldn't even put it into words, though whatever it was destroyed his nose. Perhaps that's why he hadn't smelled it before? Had his scent had already been ruined the moment he stepped into the hospital? 

 

Feeling somewhat assaulted, the ghoul continued his stride onward, and away from the mental hospital. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are heating up, aren't they? I can't wait to finish the next chapter, you guys are in for a huge surprise. I can't say much about what's happening without spoiling, but I will say that things get a little worse before they get better.  
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed that chapter. Also, if you're a tumblr user, and interested in a hidekane group to follow, try the hidekanenetwork. Here's the page if you're interested-> http://hidekanenetworks.tumblr.com/
> 
> Anyway, I don't have much else to say, except that I hope you liked this chapter, I want you all to have a wonderful week, and God bless!

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so the reason that Kaneki isn't as emotional, is because he's not too certain of what happened. Things are clashing, he's not sure what to believe (yet he doesn't want to believe what he knows is true). Kaneki is in shock, and will break out of shock in chapter 2! when we get to see Hide! 
> 
> Hide's purpose of life is to find Kaneki, so if he could no longer do that, I imagine that he would go insane. So i'm playing with this idea! Pt 2 will be either published sometimes Friday or Monday! 
> 
> Ugh, i'm so nervous about episode 12 tomorrow, what about yall? Anyway, hope you liked it, have a wonderful week, and God bless!


End file.
